Uncertain

I never knew days could go by so slowly. No matter the ways I try and distract myself there is always this impatience hanging in my mind, this tightening in my chest, just praying I can get on my way already. I have proclaimed peace in my relationship until I am blue in the face but there is this fear of what's going to happen.

My heart is in a totally different place but it's still vulnerable, my heart is still in a place where it can be broken. Part of me wanders why I ever let myself fall?

I am believing in God and what I believe He has said to me, but where do I draw the line between believing and being a desperate moron, hanging onto a hope that isn't there? why do I continually doubt myself when I KNOW that no doubt, is from God.

I have waited for this month to be over, for what feels like FOREVER, but what if this is the beginning of not talking for an even longer period?

I am jealous of the couples who "just know" that they're going to end up together. I have loved being able to grow in God and become a better woman so that I can one day be a better wife. But making an effort to better myself could have just as easily been done, had I prayed as much as I have now, and still been talking to Tim. Yes, I believe God had a purpose in separating me from Tim, if anything other than to show me how desperately I need God in my life. Honestly, I don't know how people who don't believe in God cope. I know that God hears me and that He is taking care of Tim at all times. I have God to take care of the people I love most in the world when I am not there. If I do end up heartbroken, I can take comfort in God, and know He understands. When I don't want to see anyone else, God is always there. When I have to say goodbye to Lucas Wednesday, I know God is taking care of him, protecting him. When I pray, I know God is listening to me, hearing my heart. Nope. I have no clue how agnostics get through life. I cannot imagine feeling that kind of loneliness.

I know where my heart is at, and thankfully God does too. Gosh. I am so thankful for that because He can meet me right where I am at, and take me into His arms, and comfort me, and give me the rest I need to get through the next two days, cause I am dying.

One more full day to get through praying for peace. I wish it were easier.

Peace I leave with you, My peace I give you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid

John 14:27