Uncertain

I never knew days could go by so slowly. No matter the ways I try and distract myself there is always this impatience hanging in my mind, this tightening in my chest, just praying I can get on my way already. I have proclaimed peace in my relationship until I am blue in the face but there is this fear of what's going to happen.

My heart is in a totally different place but it's still vulnerable, my heart is still in a place where it can be broken. Part of me wanders why I ever let myself fall?

I am believing in God and what I believe He has said to me, but where do I draw the line between believing and being a desperate moron, hanging onto a hope that isn't there? why do I continually doubt myself when I KNOW that no doubt, is from God.

I have waited for this month to be over, for what feels like FOREVER, but what if this is the beginning of not talking for an even longer period?

I am jealous of the couples who "just know" that they're going to end up together. I have loved being able to grow in God and become a better woman so that I can one day be a better wife. But making an effort to better myself could have just as easily been done, had I prayed as much as I have now, and still been talking to Tim. Yes, I believe God had a purpose in separating me from Tim, if anything other than to show me how desperately I need God in my life. Honestly, I don't know how people who don't believe in God cope. I know that God hears me and that He is taking care of Tim at all times. I have God to take care of the people I love most in the world when I am not there. If I do end up heartbroken, I can take comfort in God, and know He understands. When I don't want to see anyone else, God is always there. When I have to say goodbye to Lucas Wednesday, I know God is taking care of him, protecting him. When I pray, I know God is listening to me, hearing my heart. Nope. I have no clue how agnostics get through life. I cannot imagine feeling that kind of loneliness.

I know where my heart is at, and thankfully God does too. Gosh. I am so thankful for that because He can meet me right where I am at, and take me into His arms, and comfort me, and give me the rest I need to get through the next two days, cause I am dying.

One more full day to get through praying for peace. I wish it were easier.

Peace I leave with you, My peace I give you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid

John 14:27

I Miss You

Today I am anxious. I am scared of losing someone who is so important to me and I don't even think I have reason to think that.

I always want people to believe the best in me but what I also need to work on is believing the best in others. I always assume that the worst is going to happen, even when it may not. Believing the best in people is also trusting God to work out something in someone heart the way He sees fit.

I miss Tim. I miss my best friend. Part of me doesn't care if there are no answers. I don't care about that. I care about telling him what God has done in my own heart this month. I care about saying how sorry I am for making this mistakes I have.

I am praying for God's peace over my heart because I am anxious. Will I let Satan steal my peace and joy in this or will I hold onto my excitement and trust that god will work everything out the way He has already shown me?

Fear is NOT from God so now how do I get my peace back? How do I just trust and believe the best in Tim?

Every hour that goes by that I am not being told to not go down to the States, I am so incredibly thankful.

Please God, give me peace, in any circumstance. Please God, let your will be done, and not my own. I cannot wait to see my best friend. I cannot WAIT to be back where my heart belongs.

I cannot WAIT to be back in the place that I felt so at home. But I cannot wait, to be in Tim's arms and feel his strength around me. I never knew it was possible to miss someone the way I miss him. I have 4 days to get through before I am there, before I can just get the conformation in my heart that I need.

Reflection

I am in the last week of February, however; this being said I am never going to stop seeking after God and His will for me in my life. This month I have not asked God to change anything, not even give me direction, but that god would just show me things I needed to see. God has shown me so many things about myself. Areas I have fallen so terribly in, and areas I still need to grow in, But among these things, God has shown me areas that he loves about me and areas that are my strengths.

I believe throughout this month God has shown me things because I have made it a point to ask and seek and pray about it. Not because Tim and I haven't been speaking, but because I wanted to better myself as a person so I could love others better. I don't ever want that to stop. I have been praying every day about 5 times a day, not huge prayers but sometimes just 15 minute little breaks, just to thank God. But I have been praying and making it a huge point to pray.

I have failed in this area in the past. If I believe that prayer really does change reality then why do I not pray for everything? For everyone I love at all times of the day?

Anyway this is not what I wanted to write about but God has really shown me that I need to continue this. Because in the world we live in, prayer is the only way I am going to get through it in one piece, and if I am going to be a wife and a mother to more than one child, then I am going to need to trust God with my family and pray continually for that.

I know I am no where near perfect, but for me, I really wish I was. I really try and be a genuinely good person who loves people. That might sound wrong and I don't cover up my faults because it's hard to when it's running out my eyeballs, literally, but I really do try to be a good person.

It has not been easy to look inside yourself and asking God to dig out the trash and get it out. It has been really hard but I am thankful that I can see it and start to work on changing. God has shown me how amazing grace is. Not just in Him but His grace through others. We are all growing and trying to better ourselves, and even those who aren't having grace for them in their situation and life is incredible. Knowing that God has given me grace and through that I can have grace for others in my life while they grow and knowing that I don't have to change anyone but just pray for them, knowing God's will, will be done for those who ask in His name. Gahhhh. this makes me excited.

I could start naming all the things God has shown me that I need to work on and some things, I know I am going to need some time and going to need to have grace to learn while I grow but I am so thankful I serve a God who allows me to do that and through His love, He has brought others who will have grace for me.

Peace

God has been doing really amazing things in my life this last month. Mostly because I have made the effort to pray for it. I have realized that I have not been holding the people I care most about in prayer as much as I should. Even now I think I still have areas to grow in.

But above all these things is that God has been showing me that He is in control and has been working literally everything out to glorify Him and His name in my life.

But the difference is, is that I have been praying and asking and not just asking but really believing for it. There is something to be said about faith.

I have needed to get a job for a while and God has really provided for me through the job He gave me and for this month, I don't have to worry about taking time off or anything like that, and this is why I have been avoiding getting a job, is because I want to make the relationship a priority and I want to be able to go and see Tim.

However, I have been so scared about working because of what that would look like for me. How could I take time off if I am working a schedule like my old one? with only Thursdays and Sundays off? I couldn't get time off to go down the states. So I didn't get a job, I worked the odd day at a restaurant and that was enough for me.

So when God gave me this job, in marketing and customer care, my first reaction, was fear. Not being thankful, not trust, but fear. Especially since I really like my boss, so I don't want to screw her over because my life is not in Nanaimo...or Canada for that matter.

So my reaction, fear.

On the first of March, in a week and a half, I look at the schedule, and see I have 5 days off. Not because I asked for them, but just because it's how the schedule worked out. ON THE FIRST?!?! right when the month is over and Tim and I talk about where God has lead our hearts this month. Now what that 5 days is for, I have a week and a half to pray about it, but God showing me that He knows me, and He really DOES want the best for me, and He CARES about my feelings and wants. That to me, is unfathomable. How would Gabriela know to give me 5 days off on the first? But for the first time this month, I am at peace. I still miss Tim something kinda crazy, but I trust God whole heartedly. I am SURE I will still be afraid and struggle but for now, I am at peace and sooooooo incredibly thankful for God's control in my life, but I am not sure it would have come, had I not asked for it.

Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you

Matthew 7:7

February 14. Enough Said

People have their own opinions about today, myself included. Some, hate today. They think it's a made up holiday just to get you to spend more money on something that you SHOULD be doing every single day. but how many of us actually do something special every day just to celebrate love, in whatever form that comes in? I am not saying I haven't hated this holiday at one time in my life, and thought it was one of the more depressing ways to remind me that I was single. And even now, if I let myself think about how badly I wish i could be with the one I love, I am sure I will find today miserable again today. But what is so wrong with making a holiday, even IF it's made up, that is about love? Isn't that what God is? Do I think we put too much pressure on each other to do something fantastic every year, making this more stressful than anything? of course I do. But that is something people have done. Just like Christmas, if we make it about getting presents, rather than celebrating Jesus and in doing that, taking joy out of blessing someone by gifts, then it too can become a really miserable stressful holiday. But if we take Valentines day as a way to go out of your way, to show someone that you love them, then it can be a really beautiful day. There is nothing wrong with spending a day celebrating love, whatever form that may take. For me, I wouldn't need a gift or some big surprise, but just the idea of being able to spend it with the person I care about, would be enough for me. Even if that meant us going out and showing some other family we care about, that we love them. I think that for me, that's what Valentines day is about for me. Love.

I am not sad and depressed, even though, those who think being single on Valentines day sucks, being with someone, but not physically with them, is worse.....for me at least. It is even harder seeing all the photos of presents and gifts knowing you're not going to get anything from the one you want it from the most. Something that says they're thinking about you and that they want you to feel loved. However having him be here, I would trade any gift in the world for.

However, today I am still celebrating love, with one of my closest friends, Leslie.

I love this holiday, still, even though it hurts sometimes

Take this Cup From Me

Now I know that I am HARDLY going through what Jesus had to go through, but it all comes from the same root, loneliness and feeling disconnected.

Asking God, if He could just take this pain away from me, take the loneliness away soI would feel better, is a feeling I am getting familiar with. God has been showing me so much about myself, and I wouldn't change what I have gone through for anything but going through it is still hard and if I could, I am not sure that I would trade it. The part of this verse I love is when He says that not His will but God's be done. And more than I want relief from the loneliness when I feel when I think about it, I want to grow in God and find the healing in Him I need.

One of my favourite songs, captures the way I am feeling pretty perfectly.

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight

Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time

I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts

I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing

With a broken heart that's still beating

In the pain, there is healing

In your name I find meaning

So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on

I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head

I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead

I still see your reflection inside of my eyes

That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm hangin' on another day

Just to see what you throw my way

And I'm hanging on to the words you say

You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone

I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home.

Stuck

Tonight kind of sucked. It has been the first week since I left Washington and today it all just kind of hit me. I am lonely and I don't feel at home. The hard thing about spending two weeks somewhere, is that you get a really good glimpse of what living there would kind of look like. I miss my friends. I wish I could have called up someone and been able to spend time with them to get my mind off of not being there and talking with Tim. Seems kind of stupid. Honestly if I'd had the money I probably would have left. Or gone shopping. Maybe it's why I spend the amount I do on clothing. Comfort.

Today has been the hardest. Not because I miss Tim, which of course I do, but because I miss so much more than that. I miss feeling at ease and at home. I am praying God would help me and where He is, that, that would be my feeling of home. But for now, I hate it here. I want to go home.